RELATIONSHIPS DISINTEGRATE WHEN THEY BECOME ABOUT NEEDS
November 10th, 2008 categories: Grazing Spiritual Pastures
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone that you TRULY cared for and the conversation got so convoluted that by the end of the conversation you felt downright CONFUSED. Motivations (both theirs and yours) were being misjudged, hurtful feelings and confusion pervaded. When it was all said and done, it wasn’t so much about being angry (although confusion and anger are hard to separate), it was about feeling hurt, confused and WHAT THE HECK WAS ALL THAT JUST ABOUT?
It is likely (if examined more closely) that the conversation was a MY NEEDS/YOUR NEEDS conversation (a close cousin to a I’M RIGHT/YOUR RIGHT conversation). These types of conversations are always a NO WIN.
I’m not saying Needs are not legitimate. I’m saying that they can’t be the focal point and when they have become that, then there has already been a relationship breakdown.
Most people simply are confused on the subject of needs and relationships. We think that relationships are about meeting needs so we make it about getting our needs met. NOT SO!
Relationships are NOT about meeting needs! Relationships are supposed to be about (1) Companionship and (2) Sharing Life together (Finding Joy in Life together).
Needs certainly are valid but they are not to be the focus*. Needs are naturally met in healthy relationships. But, when they become the focus, the relationship breaks down. The truth is you can’t mandate needs being met just like you can not force the development of a relationship. They just happen or they don’t. The only thing you can really work on is creating an environment where true relationship can exist.
Relationships work when people feel:
1. SAFE
- They are free to be themselves. Their feelings/thoughts are valued by us.
- We are free to be ourselves. We are honest about our own feelings/thoughts and the other person is confident that we will express our feelings/thoughts (in an edifying way). No surprises!
2. SECURE
- We are not too close, not too far. Boundaries are respected, Neediness is taken elsewhere (e.g., to the Lord).
- We are together by choice, not by force.
If our relationship is motivated by FEAR (I must do what you want or you’ll be mad) or SHAME (I must do what you want or I’ll be bad), then we don’t feel secure. All this is rooted in the statement: This relationship is about you meeting MY needs. That’s not relationship … it’s slavery.
3. UPLIFTED – ENCOURAGED
People want to be uplifted and encouraged. We communicate our feelings. Our friend cares about us. He /she encourages us to be all that we can be.
4. JOY FILLED – FUN FILLED.
Healthy people want to be “WITH” someone that is fun and full of joy. It is a natural action/reaction. They are either DRAWN to you or they want to PULL AWAY because of who you are. It works both ways. You also are either DRAWN to someone or want to PULL AWAY based on who the other person is.
If the relationship:
- feels forced
- is rooted in either fear or shame
- you can’t be who you are
- you are uncertain who they are,
you’re just NOT going to be drawn to it.
On the other hand, if all of the above components are present, you will likely WANT to be with that person. Joy multiplies. My joy becomes your joy and your joy becomes mine! It’s a win/win and needs are naturally met in that environment.
5. A Kindred Spirit
Buddy and I refer to this as being LIKE KIND. There is such variety in this Earth and not every one will you want to have dinner with. There has to be commonality in order to want to be together. That doesn’t make one person more valuable than another; it just makes them more like you than another. The longer I live on this Earth, I have grown more and more grateful when a good relationships actually comes around.
I think sometimes we TRY too hard. Lighten up let relationships develop naturally. Do your part but realize that they can’t be forced. What’s your part:
- Express your feelings honestly. Be who you are.
- Live uplifted and find joy for yourself.
- Value others feelings the same. Let them be who and where they are.
- Encourage them to grow to be who they can be (just as you are doing).
- Refuse to buy into relationships being about your needs/my needs.
- If fear or shame becomes the pervading motivations, back off. It’s a natural action/reaction and it needs to be so.
- Needs are met in healthy relationships so focus on the healthy ones.
- Focus on relationships being about Companionship and Sharing Joy. When you find it, don’t take it for granted but don’t idolize it either. Just enjoy it! What is natural continues.
Change begins with a change of thinking. Relationships just aren’t about meeting MY NEEDS/YOUR NEEDS. Refuse to make it about that. It’s about companionship and sharing joy. Needs are met when the right components are present. If you’re in a relationship like the one I described above, back off and regroup. Obviously, if you care about the person, it’s not about backing off completely. Just back off and regroup. Refuse to take actions that are rooted in fear or shame. Rather, take the action that is healthy and explain your reasonings (if possible). Tell them that having a healthy relationship is what is important to you. Make the right choices and let the relationship have an opportunity to change over time. The other person will either adapt (they want to have a healthy relationship with you) or retreat (they somehow get something out of unhealthy ones). Either way, you are learning to become someone that other people are drawn to which is how true relationships are discovered.
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*The only guarantee/promise of our needs being met is from the Lord. See Phil. 4:19. However, even in our relationship with the Lord, if our needs become the focus, even THAT relationship suffers. Relationships are always about (1) Companionship and (2) Sharing Joy … even with the Lord.
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